Velcro Love Podcast
Welcome to the Velcro Love Podcast. A podcast about attachment theory, relationships, therapy, and sex. This podcast is place where we discuss all things attachment theory, relationships, therapy, and sex. Hosted by Ed Peterson, LCSW, MBA, with distinguished guests and experts to share knowledge and expertise with you.
These are some of the questions that we address on the podcast:
– What is Attachment Theory and why is it so important?
– What is Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and why is it so helpful?
– Why are safety and trust so important in relationships?
Emotional Attunement with Dr. Ryan Rana, PhD
/by SaltworksWhat Is Emotional Attunement and Why Does It Matter?
In this Velcro Love podcast episode, Dr. Ryan Rana, PhD, shares groundbreaking insights into one of the most fundamental aspects of healthy relationships: emotional attunement. As a certified Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) trainer and supervisor, Dr. Rana explains why this concept is so crucial for couples therapy, family relationships, and individual mental health.
The Science Behind Emotional Connection
Dr. Rana describes emotional attunement through the lens of mirror neurons – microscopic brain cells that help us connect with others on a neurological level. “These mirror neurons are always looking for another mammal to be on the same channel,” he explains. When we’re emotionally attuned with someone, our brains achieve what neuroscientists call “neurological resonance.”
This isn’t just feel-good psychology – it’s survival science. When two people are emotionally misattuned, the brain registers this as a pain response. Conversely, when we achieve attunement, our nervous systems calm down and we become open to learning, growth, and deeper connection.
How Emotional Attunement Affects Mental Health
The Connection Between Attunement and Anxiety/Depression
Dr. Rana’s insights reveal how emotional attunement directly impacts common mental health challenges like depression and anxiety. When children grow up in environments where they feel emotionally unsafe or misunderstood, their brains remain in survival mode – making it difficult to learn, connect, or thrive.
“A child who enters first grade who’s close and connected with self and other comes from a resonant place, therefore they can take in the alphabet,” Dr. Rana explains. “A kid who leaves home and there’s been violence or insecurity… they come in a non-resonant place, so their brain is locked in survival levels.”
This pattern continues into adulthood, affecting our ability to form secure relationships and manage stress effectively.
Understanding Depression as Adaptation
One of Dr. Rana’s most powerful insights is viewing depression not as a disorder, but as an adaptive response. “I’ve never met a depressed person that didn’t have good reasons,” he shares. “Your body’s mourning… trying to grieve, trying to work through something you’ve been through.”
This perspective shifts how we approach trauma therapy and depression treatment – from trying to “fix” someone to understanding and honoring their emotional experience.
Practical Applications for Couples and Families
The “Dive In” Approach to Relationship Challenges
When discussing how to help a partner struggling with depression, Dr. Rana offers simple but profound advice: “Dive in there with them. Don’t ever leave someone you love in pain alone.”
This approach contrasts sharply with common relationship advice that focuses on boundaries or communication techniques. Instead, emotional attunement requires us to:
Parenting with Emotional Attunement
Dr. Rana provides a powerful example of attunement in parenting. Rather than interrogating a withdrawn teenager with questions, he suggests simply being present in their world without an agenda. “When you lay down next to your son and you’re just with him without an agenda… the mirror neuron process starts to happen organically.”
This principle applies to family therapy situations where parents often feel frustrated by their inability to connect with struggling children or teens.
The Role of Rupture and Repair in Relationships
Why Perfect Attunement Isn’t the Goal
“You’re not supposed to be in attunement with other people all the time – that’s a myth,” Dr. Rana clarifies. Instead, healthy relationships are characterized by cycles of connection, rupture, and repair.
The key is developing the ability to recognize when we’ve fallen out of sync and taking steps to reconnect. This process actually strengthens relationships over time, building resilience and deeper intimacy.
Applications in Couples Therapy
For couples struggling with common patterns like pursue-withdraw dynamics, understanding attunement offers hope. Instead of focusing solely on communication skills, EFT helps partners:
How Emotionally Focused Therapy Facilitates Attunement
The EFT Approach to Healing
Dr. Rana’s work is grounded in Emotionally Focused Therapy, developed by Dr. Sue Johnson. This evidence-based approach to couples and family therapy helps people:
Why EFT Works for Trauma and Addiction
The principles of emotional attunement are particularly powerful in addiction recovery and trauma healing. When people feel truly seen, understood, and accepted, their nervous systems can finally relax enough to begin genuine healing work.
“Humans bond with what is painful and humans really bond with places of comfort that they get in the pain,” Dr. Rana explains. This insight guides how we approach difficult emotions in therapy – not as problems to solve, but as doorways to deeper connection.
Creating Attunement in Your Own Relationships
Simple Steps to Improve Emotional Connection
Based on Dr. Rana’s insights, here are practical ways to cultivate emotional attunement:
1. Practice Presence Over Problem-Solving
2. Validate Before You Educate
3. Look for the Adaptive Function
4. Focus on Repair
The Broader Impact of Emotional Attunement
Mental Health and Community Healing
Dr. Rana’s insights extend beyond individual relationships to broader questions of mental health and social connection. When we understand that human behavior is primarily adaptive, we can approach anxiety, depression, ADHD, and other challenges with greater compassion and effectiveness.
“If someone just took a three-minute excerpt of looking at you right after technology failed, they might come up with any number of terms to describe you and miss the context for which it makes sense,” he observes. This perspective challenges us to look beyond symptoms to understand the deeper human experience.
Finding Professional Support
When to Seek Couples or Family Therapy
If you’re struggling to create emotional attunement in your relationships, professional support can be transformative. Look for therapists trained in:
At Peterson Family Therapy, both Ed and Candace Peterson are trained in EFT and specialize in helping couples and families develop the kind of emotional attunement Dr. Rana describes.
Individual Therapy for Attachment Healing
Sometimes individual therapy is the best starting point for developing capacity for emotional attunement. This is particularly true for people who have experienced trauma, depression, or anxiety that makes emotional connection feel unsafe or overwhelming.
Resources for Continued Learning
Learn More About EFT:
Connect with Dr. Ryan Rana:
Contact Peterson Family Therapy: If you’re interested in learning more about how EFT and emotional attunement can help your relationships, contact us for a consultation.
Dr. Ryan Rana, PhD, is a certified EFT trainer, supervisor, and therapist. He is the current President and Founder of the Arkansas EFT Center and co-founder of The Joshua Center. His specializations include couples therapy, sexuality, depression, and traumatic stress. Before becoming a therapist, Ryan was a college athlete and pitching coach at the collegiate level.
Watch the full interview: [Embed YouTube video here]
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Dr. Teri Murphy, PhD, on Teaching EFT & Attachment & Her Personal Journey
/by SaltworksIn episode #3, we talk with with Dr. Teri Murphy, a certified Trainer, Supervisor, and Therapist of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). In this episode Dr. Teri discusses love and creativity, and teaching and joy and sadness. She gets very personal about many of the hard things she has been through, her “dark nights of the soul” and gives helpful advice to anyone who is also struggling to deal with darkness or depression.
On Dr. Teri’s website, she described herself and her work this way:
“My mission is to help people live as the fullest version of who they are. Anything that gets in the way of wholeness and love is what we focus on in our work. My favorite thing in the world is helping you re-ignite your spark.”
It was an honor to sit with Dr. Teri and learn more about her journey. There is something for everyone in what Dr. Teri shares!
Ask a Question or Request an Appointment
Got a question for the Velcro Love Podcast or want to schedule an appointment with Ed? Click the button below to contact us today.
Emotional Vulnerability and Attunement
/by SaltworksIn this episode of VELCRO LOVE the brilliant Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) trainer, Jim Thomas, from Colorado, shares his definitions of emotional vulnerability and emotional attunement. Jim uses the basic principles of Attachment Theory to help us understand what it means and looks like to connect with others and inject emotional safety into any conversation. Jim models what it looks like to be emotionally attuned and emotionally vulnerable. Jim shares tips on how to connect with clients, and how to connect with people in general. He gives us the key to peace and connection.
Ask a Question or Request an Appointment
Got a question for the Velcro Love Podcast or want to request an appointment with Ed? Click the button below to contact us today.